250 seconds That’s the average The golden standard For a song An escape That’s what art is Crawling out of my skin My bones will crack I scream A shrieking concerto Is this real life? I live my days in fear I’m sorry For who I am For what I am For the things I’ve done And will do I don’t know if I can change But I want to For you You are a song A melody A rising concerto of love and hope You bring me peace And safety All I can think about Is how much I love you It screams like an orchestra Across my soul Echoing The reverberations Bending the boundaries Of the drum that is my being A pounding droning rhythm I’m sorry I love you But I hate myself Self sabotage Is an instinct I have trained myself To believe that happiness Is a warning That the sun will always set And things will just be worse I’m so convinced That I’m not meant to be happy Or satisfied That I’m not worthy I’m so afraid That one day you’ll see me For what I am Broken.
Nervous tic Tac toe Grinding teeth into my skull Something broken Deep inside Jealous Hating I’m sorry You love me when the sun goes down A twitch An urge An eye closed tightly I want to hurt It’s an urge An addiction I’m an option I’m so scared I’m so sorry You are the sun I need you But I’m so scared One day I’ll break And you’ll leave me in pieces In his absence I am witty I am loving I would do anything for you In his presence I am mean And angry And vindictive I’m sorry I hate who I am But if you say you love me I must be doing something right.
Silence Is terrifying Its a warning I can’t tell the difference Between silence And calm Is this finally the end? Or just the calm before the storm I can’t do it again I split my soul open Showed you things Told you things That I will never reveal again I can’t break this shell Just momentary cracks Sealed by distrust and paranoia All I am anymore Is scar tissue A vague memory of what should be there I hate myself I just want to be happy I want you I drown out the silence With friends and food Music and drugs But it doesn’t change I shouldn’t be this numb I can’t feel anything Ive already grieved Ive just been waiting For reality to catch up Im a rat in a cage No control Helpless Falling A downward spiral Can I change? Can people change? Or am I locked into this fate Is this how it’s meant to be?
An ouroboros A self fulfilling prophecy Sabotage Self sabotage I can’t help myself I can’t stop it Everything breaks eventually I just make it happen quicker Everything I touch I doubt every decision I make Every step I take Until I didn’t One decision One desire No doubts No second thoughts I love you And I’m sorry I want you You don’t think that’s for the best I must be psychic I knew something like this would happen Figured, at least In the back of my head The only thing worse than being wrong Is being right.
Rage Is a terrifying promise That at any odd moment I will snap And break Myself And everything that’s near I can feel it brimming My blood begins to boil My mouth practically foams And I’m scared Because after everything that’s happened I don’t want to lose you still I’m the maddest at myself I’m hungry And I’m tired I want to scream But the only thing that comes out Are promises of help and forgiveness I had made progress I was better But throwing yourself under Someone who’s falling Tends to mess you back up I was happy for an instant A fleeting Dreaming moment Then it was gone again About what I expected I don’t know what to feel Or who to love What to think Or how to act I wrapped these chains around myself Tied the ends around cinderblocks And threw them into a lake I don’t know why I keep fighting Not in the hopeless sense But there’s nothing there To motivate me I’m scared.
Thunder Roaring in my skull Lightning crackling through my veins A rolling storm Dry lightning Aggression with no target Aimless hate Directionless Floating Just moving forward Day by day Deep inside When I’m with you The clouds will split The sun shines through Happiness Completeness The shards of who I am come together I am whole I am a hole A gaping maw I break and I hate And I just kinda suck I hate and I hate and I just hate I hate myself I’m corrosive I’m toxic All I do is destroy the things that come close to me Most of the time I don’t even know who I am I’m so confused I’m so scared I’m so sorry All I know is how to hurt I’m sorry.
Truth What is truth? The unbreakable Immutable Bones of the earth All of us want truth Confirmation The greatest human fear is uncertainty The despot seeks truth of his power The priest seeks truth of his messiah The lunatic seeks the truth of his illusion It is the greatest comfort A man can find The truth of love Of hate All I want Is certainty It’s not unrealistic Is it? I just want to know What they really feel My deepest desire is not love Not at the deepest level Nor is my real motivation hate The greatest human weakness Is the inability to tell the truth The truth may hurt But lies will scald It burns Deep into the fabric of a soul I have spent a lifetime Bombarded with lies The truth seems untouchable But no matter how much the very soul of humanity Smashes the bloody, broken, hands of God His machinations run deeper than what is real Into what is true Even though I walk through the valley of the untrue I will fear no lie This is my testament To a world that could be.
You are my sunshine The love And light Of my life I would do anything for you Climb mountains Swim seas Face my greatest fears Because no matter what You’re worth it You’re perfect A life with you would be my heaven You have helped me You have saved me In ways you can’t imagine I love you You’re an angel A miracle The best thing to ever happen to me Or anybody else Életem Fénye Thank you.
My thoughts Are like a wind tunnel. An endless swirling torrent Of emotion and logic. Locked in vicious battle, A never ending war. Eventually I learned That if I didn’t want to think, All these horrific thoughts That the next best option Was to cease to think at all. It wasn’t very difficult. I already had a reputation Of being a knuckle-headed idiot At times. All I had to do Was pretend to be reckless and dumb, Fearless and proud, Shut off my higher thinking. I’ve always been smart. Smarter than most, Or that’s at least what they say. All my friends, My whole family, Most adults I’ve ever met, I always hear the same thing. “Wow, you’re really smart!” “You’re super kind and generous!” “You’re so respectful and polite!” “You have so much potential, but…” But. All too often. My whole life Has been comprised Of broken promises and lies. So much trauma So much horror. I’ve experienced things That would drive a grown man to madness. I’ve almost lost it. So, so, so, so, so many times. All it would take Is just one snap. I don’t want to hurt anybody. But I’m so angry. Theres so much hate that I’ve internalized. A whirling churning storm A colossal inferno A spinning tower of flame. My thoughts are like a wind tunnel. For so long I’ve coped by letting them run over me As I hid in my bubble. But sometimes. The bubble breaks And I am left in an infinite endless hallway Empty. Of all but very few thoughts. I am in a wind tunnel. Buffeted by constant gusts A torrential roaring wind. I scream. I must scream. But I CAN’T. BECAUSE IF I SCREAM, I WILL HURT. I CANNOT HURT OTHERS. ALL IT WILL TAKE IS ONE. I CANNOT BREAK. I HAVE TO BE STRONG. If I break, they all will too. I am Atlas. I was never a child. I was born and then my childhood was stolen. I carry so much on my back I don’t ask much. I don’t want much. But it will only take one. Before I lose my grip And the world comes rolling off my shoulders. I love them. But I can’t treat myself the same way. I wake up every morning Full of spite At the world that put me in this situation. I live in spite of my past. I am strong. I will stay strong. But… But nothing. This is who I am. The pain created me. But it will not change me. I am a wind tunnel. I am Atlas. I would love to believe, I need to believe, That holding the world Is not a curse, But a responsibility. I am strong. I am Atlas.